For a wee bit of fun our friendly neighbour committee wordsmith wrote his match report for just such a frost affected day as Saturday. The only committee person not to get a mention is the writer himself! Enjoy….
With the main pitches unavailable due to frost, the clubs agreed to an indoor match between the respective ladies and gents of these old rivals, in the Murray Function Suite at historic Mansfield Park. The pre match meal was less protein shakes and jelly bars than turkey and trimmings, as Debbie Brown served up a traditional Christmas feast with calories galore and extra helpings for the visiting Bear.
Rekindling memories of old , the visitors’ touchjudge was dressed in old school blazer, cap and baggy shorts , with David Wright fulfilling the role for the hosts in between exploding calf issues. Referee was the former international whistler John Hogg who was quickly accused of bias by awarding a penalty at the off because Andy Irvine had failed to finish his brussel sprouts.
Hawick were quickly into their stride and mazy running , caused admittedly by too much Gin, saw Eileen Davies go close before she had to attend to grand-babysitting duties ,thankfully former top class footballer Roy Cook senior, slotted a penalty for George Lambie being found offside at the bar.
However the visitors used their experience and burrowed their way up field, using some dormant machinery from the Flood Scheme and Kenny Milne went over for a converted try whilst carrying Roger the dodger Bettiss and John Andison with him, whilst they tried to divert his attentions with a glass of Lower East Side.
Just before the break Ken Scotland scuttled up the wing, narrowly evading Rob ‘the fox’ Douglas who got pelters from his son the coach, and went over underneath the Chrystie room Marriage Arch with the extras added by the ever trusty slippers of Irvine (who much to the annoyance of all baldies still looks like he did 50 years ago).
A much needed half time break was supplied by Lindsey and her bar staff, where water bottles were replaced by merlot and pinot grigio, and both teams joined the same huddle to listen to Michael Scoular give a clear lesson in sportsmanship and the use of the defibrillator.
Refreshed , but by now trailing 3 points to 14, the Robbie Dyes brought on Malcolm Grant and Neil Hamilton, in a move reminiscent of the ugly sisters’ entrance to the panto in the town hall this week. Desperate to find someone to punch, Hammy headed off to a rematch with Tyson Fury but not before he gave an inch perfect pass to Pundy Thorburn to crash over in the McLaren room for an excellent try cheered on by the seated ranks of the Green Room drinkers. Cook just failed to add the extras ,with the minimum of fuss and maximum of puff, in between packets of Regal smalls.
With time running out it was left to Ian Landles to become the hero for the town once again, with his customary lack of ability on the rugby field , he dropped his glasses and whilst fumbling for them he fell over onto a loose ball that referee Hogg adjudged had crossed the white line, before a hush fell on the crowd as wife Margaret stepped up for the injury time conversion. Replacing her high heels with a pair of Kirk Ford’s finest, she slotted the extras to leave the hosts relieved and victorious by a single point.
As the two teams headed off to the bar for transfusions of some sort or another, i sadly woke up to find that John O’ Dreams had been at work in the frosty night.
